It's been exactly 4 weeks since the accident. The flashbacks have gone down in frequency. My changed habits haven't.
- I am rarely over the speed limit
- I rarely make a left turn unless the other car's like a half mile away
- I keep looking at other people doing rash things on the road and wincing
- I am more patient; whereas before, if somebody was trying to cut me off, I would have sped up, now I just let them go.
I still get a little hyperventilated and slightly weepy when I think of that day. I still replay it in my mind, trying to think of what I missed. I still get the shakes when I see pictures of my Element. I remember the impact when the car hit me. I vividly remember how my windshield spiderwebbed. I remember the punch of the airbag into the left side of my face because I had turned my head to the right to look at what hit me. I remember feeling the car tilt and slide across the road. I don't remember the order of those events. I remember screaming, just to ensure myself I was alive.
I am not sure the flashbacks will ever go away. I keep thinking of people I would have left behind and of course then I tell Jeff that he better have mourned a year before remarrying. And, my sister says she would have never let him remarry. But, you get the point. I don't think I have PTSD but it's pretty damn close and I am hoping it goes away eventually. I just want to remind everyone life is so precious and your actions don't ust affect you; they affect the people you love and who love you. Be careful in your daily lives and remember to tell your loved ones how much you lvoe them as often as you can.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
My Element's Eugoogly
I am not the best eugooglizer out there; I am sure Zoolander wins that award. However, I am going to try to do my best to eugooglize my 1st car.
Let me first explain that my Honda Element really wasn't my very first car. My 1st car was a VW Rabbit that ran on diesel. It was given to me by the Dean at my first school because they were thinking of getting rid of it. They, instead, gave it to me. That car would blow dark black horrific smelling plumes of smoke behind it, especially if I was trying to go up a hill. That car served me well for the few months I had it.
But my Honda Element. Now, that was love at first sight. I was driving down a road, going from visiting 1 apartment to another apartment for our move to MD. I saw a Silver Element with blue trim standing outside a dealership. I immediately pulled my car into their lot, wlake din and asked the first salesman I saw, "How do I buy that car?" I then test drove it and fell even more in love with it. That was probably my one impulse buy that cost more than $10. Way more.
That car was great. It hauled so much stuff for us. A queen sized captain's bed was transported in it in just 2 trips. I felt safe driving on the freeway with it. Those hulking trucks didn't look as big when I was in my Element. The front wasn't too long and I could maneuver it any which way on the turn of a dime. That car could be hosed out. Who cares that in the 3+ years we owned it, we never hosed it out. The thing was, you could do it if you needed to.
*SIGH* I'll miss you. I never even named you. I hope you come back as somebody else's first love, my nameless first love car.
Let me first explain that my Honda Element really wasn't my very first car. My 1st car was a VW Rabbit that ran on diesel. It was given to me by the Dean at my first school because they were thinking of getting rid of it. They, instead, gave it to me. That car would blow dark black horrific smelling plumes of smoke behind it, especially if I was trying to go up a hill. That car served me well for the few months I had it.
But my Honda Element. Now, that was love at first sight. I was driving down a road, going from visiting 1 apartment to another apartment for our move to MD. I saw a Silver Element with blue trim standing outside a dealership. I immediately pulled my car into their lot, wlake din and asked the first salesman I saw, "How do I buy that car?" I then test drove it and fell even more in love with it. That was probably my one impulse buy that cost more than $10. Way more.
That car was great. It hauled so much stuff for us. A queen sized captain's bed was transported in it in just 2 trips. I felt safe driving on the freeway with it. Those hulking trucks didn't look as big when I was in my Element. The front wasn't too long and I could maneuver it any which way on the turn of a dime. That car could be hosed out. Who cares that in the 3+ years we owned it, we never hosed it out. The thing was, you could do it if you needed to.
*SIGH* I'll miss you. I never even named you. I hope you come back as somebody else's first love, my nameless first love car.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The incident
That's what I am going to call it - The Incident. Because calling it anything else like the accident, or the car crash or my 32nd birthday makes me want to punch something or somebody or bawl my eyes out.
I'll warn you, there will be details because I never want to forget what happened that day. I'd like to think I got really lucky but I would not wish to forget any aspect of tat day in case I start taking life and my well being for granted. So, if you are a queesy sort of person, don't read past the 1st 2 paras.
June 25, 2009. The day started out fine. It was a Thursday, exactly 2 weeks after my hernia surgery and only 1 day since my last drain and staples had come out. 2 days before my husband and I were to fly to CA for a family reunion. So, I had some to-dos in my mind as I am driving home. Stop by Indian store to pick up snacks for plane. Check. On my way to the library to pick up books for the plane and then to Rite Aid for some gauze just so I have it in case the dressings need changing still. Get to the library turn, yellow light, look down and see car way down the road, take the left. Look to my right, that car that was way down the road? Not so ar down the road anymore. No, it's actually hitting my passenger side.
At that moment, it was all slow motion, now when I remember it, it happened within milliseconds. My windshield got spiderwebby, the airbags deployed, my face felt punched, the car slid, then toppled over on to my side, then slid across the road, then stopped. I smelled something funny. I tried to catch my breath. I was very scared and very pissed off. I didn't want to pass out. I screamed as loud as I could to ensure I was alive. I screamed a number of times, I think.
I was on my left side, stuck in my seat belt, looking out of my windshield. I could see one guy calling 911, while others milled around looking in. I have no idea what goes through the onlookers minds. I have never myself been on an accident site as it happened. They were all talking to each other and I heard somebody say something about being able to see me and not knowing if I was ok. I gave him a thumbs up sign, and then heard him say she seems fine. I yelled if somebody had a knife or scissors because I couldn't undo my seat belt.
This one guy, older black gentleman, my savior, I'll call him, climbed on to the passenger side, opened the door and opened my seat belt. He kept talking to me, I have no idea what he said but I think it kept me sane. I wiggled my les and arms, found nothign hurting. He helped me stand up onto the drivers side door from the inside. The EMTs were there by now, talking to me. I had my phone in my hand. Somebody had taken my purse and put it ouside the car.
Now my vision started blurrying. The colors disappeared and everyone looked like I had cellophane wrapped around my eyes. This is when I got terrified. I was terrified of passing out, I was terrified of losing consciousness. I managed to call my sister and tell her I'd been in an acident and where it was. It was mere blocks from my house. She drove over. The paramedics had cut through the windshield and led me out. There was some bleeding on my left side thigh so they had me lie down to check it out. Till now, things were moving at normal speed.
As soon as the EMT unbuttoned my pants and looked at the site of bleeding, it was like they punched the accelerator. In seconds, I was strapped down, my head was immobilized, I had a neck brace, IV, the whole 9 yards. Apparently, twhat I thought was some bleeding from the previous surgery site was what they called a laceration. From what I could hear it was 8-0 inches long and gaping open into the abdominal cavity. I saw the edges of it before they pushed me down to a complete prone position. They took my vitals. They called the University of MD Shock and Trauma, explained my condition and were told to bring me in. My sister rode in the front of the ambulance. Now, before they completely immobilized me, I was able to call Jeff and my boss Kathi and explain what had happened and where I was going. I also called my surgeon who did all my previous surgeries and left him a message. Then, they took my phone away.
We got to Shock and Trauma and was wheeled into the first area at 5:25 p.m. where they asked me all sorts of questions. Everyone wishd me happy birthday. They did a CT scan and took numerous x-rays, which all came back negative. They gave me some pain meds; I wasn't feeling any pain but tey said I would soon. After everything came back negative, I was wheeled to another area where I stayed till I was taken to the Operating /room at 12:45 a.m. From what the doc told me later, the wound was completely clean and they had asolutely no trouble putting it back together. No injuries to any organs.
I think I woke up around 4 a.m.ish when they were moving me to me recovery room. Then, I was out till 8 a.m. Then, I was bored. No phone, no tv (I had to buy it and I waited till later to do tat), no computer. I had a nerve blocker they'd given me during the operation inside the stomach and no other pain meds. I was still not feeling anything major except my left foot was swollen. They gave me antibiotics through the IV, breakfast which included an eg bake, bagel and cream cheese, orange juice. It was actually yummy. The doctor came to see me and told me I could probably go home that day, told me I was doing well. I would just have the drain for another few days. Eventually, they took the catheter out too and I walked to the bathroom. Now, I was scared of walking on my left foot, so they sent the physical therapist in. She poked and prodded it and was worried that maybe the big toe was broken so more x-rays.
Lunch was eggroll, beef fried rice, baked egg custard, a small salad and iced tea. Another good meal. My parents, sister and Jeff came over around 2ish. After the foot x-rays, they told me nothing was broken but it was sprained. they gave me a hard soled boot and a cane to wlak in and I was able to walk around with the family. Eventually, my marching orders arrived and around 6 p.m. maybe, I was able to go home.
So, this morning was the first time I felt anything. I woke up at 6:30 and was achy all over. 2 tylenols took care of that. So, an inventory of injuries:
- left big toe swollen and slightly torn skin on it's right side
- left knee scraped on the inside
- seat belt burn on left shoulder blade
- ribs slightly bruised
and that's it!
Photos of the incident at:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2599338&id=2240878&saved#/album.php?aid=2599338&id=2240878
I'll warn you, there will be details because I never want to forget what happened that day. I'd like to think I got really lucky but I would not wish to forget any aspect of tat day in case I start taking life and my well being for granted. So, if you are a queesy sort of person, don't read past the 1st 2 paras.
June 25, 2009. The day started out fine. It was a Thursday, exactly 2 weeks after my hernia surgery and only 1 day since my last drain and staples had come out. 2 days before my husband and I were to fly to CA for a family reunion. So, I had some to-dos in my mind as I am driving home. Stop by Indian store to pick up snacks for plane. Check. On my way to the library to pick up books for the plane and then to Rite Aid for some gauze just so I have it in case the dressings need changing still. Get to the library turn, yellow light, look down and see car way down the road, take the left. Look to my right, that car that was way down the road? Not so ar down the road anymore. No, it's actually hitting my passenger side.
At that moment, it was all slow motion, now when I remember it, it happened within milliseconds. My windshield got spiderwebby, the airbags deployed, my face felt punched, the car slid, then toppled over on to my side, then slid across the road, then stopped. I smelled something funny. I tried to catch my breath. I was very scared and very pissed off. I didn't want to pass out. I screamed as loud as I could to ensure I was alive. I screamed a number of times, I think.
I was on my left side, stuck in my seat belt, looking out of my windshield. I could see one guy calling 911, while others milled around looking in. I have no idea what goes through the onlookers minds. I have never myself been on an accident site as it happened. They were all talking to each other and I heard somebody say something about being able to see me and not knowing if I was ok. I gave him a thumbs up sign, and then heard him say she seems fine. I yelled if somebody had a knife or scissors because I couldn't undo my seat belt.
This one guy, older black gentleman, my savior, I'll call him, climbed on to the passenger side, opened the door and opened my seat belt. He kept talking to me, I have no idea what he said but I think it kept me sane. I wiggled my les and arms, found nothign hurting. He helped me stand up onto the drivers side door from the inside. The EMTs were there by now, talking to me. I had my phone in my hand. Somebody had taken my purse and put it ouside the car.
Now my vision started blurrying. The colors disappeared and everyone looked like I had cellophane wrapped around my eyes. This is when I got terrified. I was terrified of passing out, I was terrified of losing consciousness. I managed to call my sister and tell her I'd been in an acident and where it was. It was mere blocks from my house. She drove over. The paramedics had cut through the windshield and led me out. There was some bleeding on my left side thigh so they had me lie down to check it out. Till now, things were moving at normal speed.
As soon as the EMT unbuttoned my pants and looked at the site of bleeding, it was like they punched the accelerator. In seconds, I was strapped down, my head was immobilized, I had a neck brace, IV, the whole 9 yards. Apparently, twhat I thought was some bleeding from the previous surgery site was what they called a laceration. From what I could hear it was 8-0 inches long and gaping open into the abdominal cavity. I saw the edges of it before they pushed me down to a complete prone position. They took my vitals. They called the University of MD Shock and Trauma, explained my condition and were told to bring me in. My sister rode in the front of the ambulance. Now, before they completely immobilized me, I was able to call Jeff and my boss Kathi and explain what had happened and where I was going. I also called my surgeon who did all my previous surgeries and left him a message. Then, they took my phone away.
We got to Shock and Trauma and was wheeled into the first area at 5:25 p.m. where they asked me all sorts of questions. Everyone wishd me happy birthday. They did a CT scan and took numerous x-rays, which all came back negative. They gave me some pain meds; I wasn't feeling any pain but tey said I would soon. After everything came back negative, I was wheeled to another area where I stayed till I was taken to the Operating /room at 12:45 a.m. From what the doc told me later, the wound was completely clean and they had asolutely no trouble putting it back together. No injuries to any organs.
I think I woke up around 4 a.m.ish when they were moving me to me recovery room. Then, I was out till 8 a.m. Then, I was bored. No phone, no tv (I had to buy it and I waited till later to do tat), no computer. I had a nerve blocker they'd given me during the operation inside the stomach and no other pain meds. I was still not feeling anything major except my left foot was swollen. They gave me antibiotics through the IV, breakfast which included an eg bake, bagel and cream cheese, orange juice. It was actually yummy. The doctor came to see me and told me I could probably go home that day, told me I was doing well. I would just have the drain for another few days. Eventually, they took the catheter out too and I walked to the bathroom. Now, I was scared of walking on my left foot, so they sent the physical therapist in. She poked and prodded it and was worried that maybe the big toe was broken so more x-rays.
Lunch was eggroll, beef fried rice, baked egg custard, a small salad and iced tea. Another good meal. My parents, sister and Jeff came over around 2ish. After the foot x-rays, they told me nothing was broken but it was sprained. they gave me a hard soled boot and a cane to wlak in and I was able to walk around with the family. Eventually, my marching orders arrived and around 6 p.m. maybe, I was able to go home.
So, this morning was the first time I felt anything. I woke up at 6:30 and was achy all over. 2 tylenols took care of that. So, an inventory of injuries:
- left big toe swollen and slightly torn skin on it's right side
- left knee scraped on the inside
- seat belt burn on left shoulder blade
- ribs slightly bruised
and that's it!
Photos of the incident at:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2599338&id=2240878&saved#/album.php?aid=2599338&id=2240878
Friday, May 22, 2009
Shoes, space between the thighs and much more
What? the title didn't make much sense?
Let me explain. I am a year and a half out form my Roux-n-Y gastric bypass surgery. Almost a year (about 10 months) out from the weight just seemingly coming off like magic. So, I've had about 10 months of working out, counting calories, weighing myself every Sunday, shrinking clothes and dropping inches. Yet, some things still awe and shock me. Like:
1. These shoes:
Even a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to get my feet into something like these, forget trying to walk. Now, I can go a full day in them at work, walk around, run to the bathroom, meetings etc. without killing my feet, my back or my legs.
2. Space between my thighs: Jeff took a photo of me in all green the other day and the first thing my sister said was, hey you can see between your legs. Well, you know how she meant it :-) And, it's nice to walk without hearing that swish swish sound, y'all know exactly what I am talking about.
3. Fitting into seats: My car seat, my work chair, airplane seats, movie theater seats, amusement park ride seats, name a seat and you got it. I don't feel like a beached whale trying to fit into a toddler's stroller anymore. Last week, I got into my car, looked down and saw half my seat. A year ago, not so much.
4. Self consciousness: Well, I am still pretty self conscious but now I think it's because of the bad fashion choices maybe, not because I look like a beached whale trying to fit into a kid's stroller. I don't feel like everyone's looking at me to try and see how the hell am I going to make it through the turnstile or the revolving doors.
5. I can run: I might not look pretty or graceful but I don't look like a beached whale running while trying to fit into a toddler's stroller. A couple weeks ago, Jeff and I were leaving to go somewhere and we had a bag of trash to be taken out. The dumpster's about 500 feet away, for which I usually throw the trashbag in my car and drive it up if I am on my way out. I told Jeff he could meet me in the car up there and I'd walk it up. I ran that trash up and beat Jeff and his car! And, I was barely out of breath. And, that was some heavy m-effing trash.
Let me explain. I am a year and a half out form my Roux-n-Y gastric bypass surgery. Almost a year (about 10 months) out from the weight just seemingly coming off like magic. So, I've had about 10 months of working out, counting calories, weighing myself every Sunday, shrinking clothes and dropping inches. Yet, some things still awe and shock me. Like:
1. These shoes:
Even a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to get my feet into something like these, forget trying to walk. Now, I can go a full day in them at work, walk around, run to the bathroom, meetings etc. without killing my feet, my back or my legs.
2. Space between my thighs: Jeff took a photo of me in all green the other day and the first thing my sister said was, hey you can see between your legs. Well, you know how she meant it :-) And, it's nice to walk without hearing that swish swish sound, y'all know exactly what I am talking about.
3. Fitting into seats: My car seat, my work chair, airplane seats, movie theater seats, amusement park ride seats, name a seat and you got it. I don't feel like a beached whale trying to fit into a toddler's stroller anymore. Last week, I got into my car, looked down and saw half my seat. A year ago, not so much.
4. Self consciousness: Well, I am still pretty self conscious but now I think it's because of the bad fashion choices maybe, not because I look like a beached whale trying to fit into a kid's stroller. I don't feel like everyone's looking at me to try and see how the hell am I going to make it through the turnstile or the revolving doors.
5. I can run: I might not look pretty or graceful but I don't look like a beached whale running while trying to fit into a toddler's stroller. A couple weeks ago, Jeff and I were leaving to go somewhere and we had a bag of trash to be taken out. The dumpster's about 500 feet away, for which I usually throw the trashbag in my car and drive it up if I am on my way out. I told Jeff he could meet me in the car up there and I'd walk it up. I ran that trash up and beat Jeff and his car! And, I was barely out of breath. And, that was some heavy m-effing trash.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Irrational fears
1. Death - some might call it rational but mine isn't. It's to the point of, if I thought of it enough, I'd go into hysterics.
2. Bugs - anything smaller than a mouse scares the bejeezus out of me. Bugs that can fly are the worst.
3. Being paralyzed completely but being conscious - I know I don't indulge in many activities that would lead me to this but the thought of beign trapped ina body without being able to move or speak but feeling and knwing everything that's going on around me? Again, the bejeezus thing.
4. Torture - weird, huh? If I am ever kidnapped, I'd rather be killed outright than be tortured. Which is a biggie because death scares the crap out of me too. This probably stems from all he serial killer novels I've read and movies I've seen.
I can't think of any more but this list might grow.
2. Bugs - anything smaller than a mouse scares the bejeezus out of me. Bugs that can fly are the worst.
3. Being paralyzed completely but being conscious - I know I don't indulge in many activities that would lead me to this but the thought of beign trapped ina body without being able to move or speak but feeling and knwing everything that's going on around me? Again, the bejeezus thing.
4. Torture - weird, huh? If I am ever kidnapped, I'd rather be killed outright than be tortured. Which is a biggie because death scares the crap out of me too. This probably stems from all he serial killer novels I've read and movies I've seen.
I can't think of any more but this list might grow.
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