1 month, making friends and a conundrum

It's been 4 weeks since Oliver was born and we had his 1 month check up. He's doing great, his weight and length gain has been good. He's so much more active. One one hand, it's amazing and hilarious to watch his expressions, his arm lifts, his cycling legs; on the other hand, it makes changing, feeding, calming him down so much more challenging. But, I'll take that challenge just to watch his personality developing.

He's also making friends. Smokey has been fascinated with Oli since we brought him home. Whereas, at the beginning, Smokey wanted to be near Oli the whole time, sniffing his hands, feet, head ... now he's backed off a little. But, as soon as Oli cries, Smokey rushes over. And, if he's in a different room with the door closed, he goes to the door and whines. I think these 2 are going to be life long friends. Kind of like Lassie and Timmie.

Now, on to my conundrum. Because Oli was in the NICU for 9 days after his birth, he was bottle fed. I got to pump and take the milk to him but that also meant he never got to breastfeed. We tried after we got home; I even had a lactation consultant come to the house and give me tips. And, I failed. I still pump and he drinks anywhere from 23-27 ounces. Some days I have to supplement with 2 - 4 ounces of formula. I know, in the end, the fact that he gained weight and is doing good should be my validation. But, there's a primal part of me that feels like a failure for not being able to breastfeed. Intellectually, I don't have a problem with anything I am doing - bottle feeding, supplementing with formula - but there's someplace deep inside me where it hurts to know that my baby cannot breastfeed from me.