Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Yesterday

our baby turned 1. We've had him with us for 365 days. We lived without him for roughly 12,045 days. Yet, we would die for him in an instant.

My dad used to say something to me, that as a teenager and as an adult, would sometimes embarrass me. He would say that he could not bear to see tears in our eyes and he would get choked up. I understand that sentiment now. I can tell the difference in when Oli is crying because he's throwing a tantrum or when he's in pain. I hold him, and he looks at me with this look in his eyes that seems to say, "mommy, why am I hurting? why can't you make it better?" It shatters my heart into a bazillion pieces. I want to wrap him in bubble wrap and put him in a safe room somewhere for EVER. I never want him to feel pain, or hurt.

On the other hand, I want him to walk, run, jump off my couch. I want him to learn his boundaries, know his limitations and reach for more. I want to catch these impish looks he throws us right before doing something like taking off across the room so he can throw himself at the dog, or try to flush the toilet.

I guess this dichotomy is what's called parenthood.

I am listening to yet another song from my shower CD and thinking of all the things I want to show him. The song is "With Arms Wide Open," by Creed.

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open

Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready

To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open

Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open

With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open

[Guitar Break]

If I had just one wish

Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

With arms wide open

Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

The song is so true. I didn't know if I was ready, emotionally, till he was placed in my arms. And, a year later, I still don't know if I am ready and capable. But, I know I want to hold his hand, help him walk, run and climb. I want to show him as much of the world as I can. I want to teach him to be a patient, kind, tolerant, loving man. I want to show him the stars in the sky and have him ask questions, so I can say, "ask daddy about that." I've warned his grandma that when he asks where babies come from, I'm telling him to call her. I want to see him grow up to be independent and smart. I want him to not be afraid of venturing out into the world on his own when it's time. But, I want him to know that I'll always be there at home, with arms wide open, if he ever needs or wants their shelter. It's so weird, I started writing about his first year, and I started wondering what he'd be like as a 5 yrs old, as a teenager, as an adult ...

At his party
Let's go back to him being ONE. We had a party Saturday for him, where all our closest friends helped us celebrate him and well, us surviving a year as new parents. It was extra special that my sister and parents were able to be there. He was showered with so much love (and lots of loud and bright toys - I have to talk to my friends about this!) that we feel blessed to have this network of support around us. Oli had a blast, he was walking, crawling, playing with other kids.

We tried to have him eat cake.That did not go over too well.
 
We tried 2 different types of cake and he barely touched the frosting, before screaming for the abomination that was in front of him to be taken away.

At home, on his birthday
I thought about it, I'd rather eat a bag of lime tortilla chips with an entire container of mango habanero salsa, and Jeff a bag of Doritos, than anything sweet. So, maybe that's why our son did not touch cake.


A year. I am still trying to wrap my head around that. He also had his well check appointment with his doctor yesterday. 5 shots. He was a champ. Screamed when he was shot up, but 5 minutes later, was back to his regular self. He's stayed strong on all his charts. He's walking more and more daily. He knows 5 signs solidly - dog, fish, more, milk, signing.
 
videoHe's so vocal. Still no comprehensible words but oh, is he vocal. Happy shrieks. I love them. He'll crawl on hands and feet or run around the room, shrieking at everything and everyone, grinning wildly. I could watch him all day.

This video was at his doctor's office. And, he took a spill from running into my foot. But, it did not faze him a bit, as you can see.

Happy birthday to my beautiful boy!

Saturday, my family also said their farewells to a beloved family member. I alternated between sharing Oli's party info and photos and not because it was the same day. But, then I thought about the fact that both were celebrations. One of a life just begun, a mere 365 days in a long journey. The other? A celebration of a long life, well spent. She lived to see her great-grandson be born; moved with her family across the world to a new country and set roots. So, I am sharing the photos. I'll publish his photo album on Facebook from home later today.

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