Sunday, August 14, 2016

I can't sleep

I'm home with Oliver, after a week of being away from Oliver. This is familiar. This is my space, this is what I built for myself and my family.

It's almost 3 a.m. I can't sleep.

I had lowered the thermostat to 72 when we got home; the sounds from it downstairs made me a nervous wreck upstairs. I even walked the entire house with Oliver's Louiseville slugger. There's nobody in here. The house is alarmed,".

Yet, I cannot sleep.

I have emptied the dishwasher, emptied my suitcase and filled the washing machine.

And I still can't sleep.

Every little creak the house makes, every little sigh I hear ... I can't sleep.

I don't have this problem when Jeff's here.  But, without him, I'm imagining all sorts of things. Want macabre? I even imagined the pleadings with an intruder to not kill me because I didn't want my 5 yo finding my body!

Am I crazy? Overly anxious in a huge house without Jeff?

I don't know! All I know is I can't sleep!!!

I just heard a beep. I'm not even kidding you. I have 2 more nights of this bridge Jeff gets home and I'm not sure I can do it without going nuts!

Because I can't sleep!

I close my eyes and hear hordes downstairs, creeping up the staircase ... Maybe I've read too many true crime novels because I can way too easily imagine my fate. Yet, the house alarm is set and all the  doors are locked. So, if somebody were to breach a door, it would lead to a cacophony of sirens!

So, why can't I sleep?

I don't know and I fear I might go insane before I get my answers.

Because sleep deprivation as torture? I totally get it now.

Because I can't sleep!

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